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4×01… Break up kiss, Break up sex.
By MadiLovesMerDer | December 13, 2009 | 
During the hiatus I will attempt to entertain you all with reviews/rants about past episodes of Grey’s. Focusing on MerDer. Yes. That’s right. 100% MerDer talk. I will, however, mention stuff that links them together. In this case, Lexie sticking her nose in Mer’s business… and making Mer feel awkward. And… Mark making Der angry 
During regular Grey’s Anatomy time… I will be sharing my thoughts about the MerDer of it all after episodes are aired. 
So… for now, we take a ride back to the emotional roller coaster that is MerDer and experience Season 4, episode 1 all over again.
We all fear failure. We all avoid things. We push them down… and put them off till the last minute. Sometimes, we put them off so much… before we know it, it’s too late to turn back. Too late to change your mind. Or, in Meredith’s case, she’s too lost within herself and far too damaged to make it to the surface.
Cause, if you’re Meredith Grey… you can’t save yourself from drowning anymore. And… the one person who did get you out of that water. Out of the depths of an actual bay… you can’t let him in. You can’t let yourself be vulnerable, because being vulnerable is scary. Especially if every time you have given someone a chance… and shown them your true self… you’ve been torn apart by the pain it’s ensued.
Meredith hasn’t seen or spoken to Derek in 17 days. She’s spent the last 17 days honey mooning with Cristina, giving her ample time to avoid and… well, AVOID everything in life that usually weighs down on her. It’s been 17 days since she said “It’s over… it’s so over.” Leaving Derek back at SGH to fend for himself. He’s now once again in a world of uncertainty and confusion.
Mer’s back at the hospital. She has a new set of interns… and her words of wisdom to them are “Don’t sleep with anyone.” Bitter, and self loathing, and dark and twistier than ever. Essentially, on the verge of self destruction… and is successfully pushing away the one person that would give her the world if he could.
Then comes Lexie. Lexie is the girl from the bar that asked to buy Derek a drink. At that point, I think every MerDer fan under the sun hated Lexie. I’m pretty sure I wanted to throw something at my TV, but alas, that would have damaged the lovely shiny thing that allows me to watch my beloved Grey’s Anatomy. So, I just scowled and yelled “WHAT THE HELL! Leave McDreamy alone!” Along with a few other profanities, that shall not be mentioned.
The term that stuck in my head the most is what Mer says quite a lot throughout the episode… and that’s “AWKWARD!” I mean seriously. When Mer finds out that Lexie is the girl from the bar that Der flirted with. That this girl was the highlight of his week… she’s none too pleased. She whips out “I’m the girl from the bar!” Glares at Derek, than walks off. It’s not until afterwards, Der finds out Lexie is Mer’s sister. I’ll say it again… AWKWARD! What are the odds right? I mean, gosh. Talk about putting your foot in it. He should just go hide and avoid things like Mer is doing, cause he’s not having a very good day.
Mer ends up with a pregnant patient that has been in an accident and her arm… has been severed. Mer can relate to this patient emotionally, as the patient is worried most that she’s alone. That she needs two arms, because her son doesn’t have a father. He’s absent. She’s all her baby has. Mer… is no stranger to feeling alone. It’s always Meredith vs the world most of the time, except when Cristina is around… but still. Meredith usually wrestles with her own internal conflicts and emotions none the wiser to anyone else around her. Her demons are hers to deal with and hers alone, hence why she just can’t let Derek in after being hurt by him once. I really do think that the first time around being hurt by him, when he chose Addison… that ruined her. She has no fight left in her when it comes to relationships and trying to make things work. The only fight she can tackle is work.
Der keeps on asking people to have a drink with him. I find this hilarious and sad at the same time. He doesn’t have any friends 
Poor thing. He even goes so far as to ask Cristina to go for a drink with him. To hang out. LOL. Really, it’s just a good excuse to ask about Meredith. He asks if she’s ok… and as usual Mer is fine. She’s always fine. The truth of the mater is… “She’s always fine. That’s her problem”. You can’t always be fine. No one is ever fine all the time. He knows she avoids. He knows she’s scared. He knows she can’t comprehend what a real relationship is supposed to be like. Which is when Mark makes an ass of a comment about him dodging a bullet… that’s the last straw.
Der is hurt. Angry. Confused. And… is trying to make sense of everything to do with Meredith up until now. So… he is going to lash out. It’s this rant that he goes on that made me and everyone else understand just how well he knows Mer.
“Meredith’s mother never wanted her, and her father was never man enough to hang around. She has a right to be damaged. And us, together. It’s a big step for her. Her best friend gets left at the alter, and all she sees now, is things like this, they don’t work. She panics. She want’s this. She doesn’t know how to have it. And you know what, that’s not her fault. So don’t ever talk to me about Meredith Grey, because you do not know what you’re talking about. And, I don’t want a friend!”
He’s trying to justify what the hell happened between them. He really just wants her to let him in, but understands why she can’t.
Whilst Der lost in his own emotions… Mer is helping Mark with the pregnant patient, who needs her arm. A moment of truth arises when the patient keeps on saying she can’t be alone. Mer voices her own thoughts… “It’s much better to be alone and feel like a success, then to be in a relationship and feel like a failure all the time.”
The thing Mer doesn’t realise is that having an amazing career, and success isn’t worth anything unless you can share it with someone you love. Where’s Bailey and her words of wisdom when you need her?
Mer is consumed by the thought’s that she isn’t good enough. That she can’t have it all. All relationships are destined to fail no matter how much you love someone. She just can’t let herself be vulnerable around derek because she’s so scared. Fear is a powerful deterrent. It lets you avoid things, and create excuses that stop you from ever being hurt. Fear of failure can sometimes prevent a damaged person from ever trying to make something work in the first place. That’s where Mer is right now. If she doesn’t try… she won’t get hurt. But, Mer tends to forget about that whole regret thing. Regretting that she can’t put herself out there to try and have a normal, loving relationship with Derek.
Then… the we come to the inevitable breakup scene. the painful, heartbreaking, tear-jerking moment where Meredith and Derek can’t let go of each other… but end up no longer committed to each other. Der loves her so completely, and so unconditionally, that he will take anything he can get. In this case, all Mer can handle is the physical aspect of the relationship. Sex & Mockery. Right now, Mer is so dark & twisty, and so damaged that the only thing she can commit to is sex. Because, sex allows her to avoid how she truly feels. This way, they can both get lost in a moment, and in each other, and it’s in that time and place they can just be at peace. Away from painful realities.
Also, as most of us know… It’s after the sex that Meredith feels safe. Where the world stops. And she will never be ready to let that go.
I really think that Mer wants to be with Der so badly, but she just can’t. What truly kills me is how the break up scene plays out. The dialog and raw emotion portrayed in that scene alone left me sobbing.
Meredith: I…uhm….
Derek: You’re not ready for this.
Meredith: No.
Derek: I asked for too much.
Meredith: I think so.
Derek: So, this is it?
Meredith: Yeah.
Derek: We’re breaking up?
Meredith: We’re breaking up.
Derek: We’re broken up.
Meredith: It’s done.
[They start kissing]
Derek: Break-up kiss.
Meredith: Break-up kiss.
Derek: Break-up sex.
Meredith: Yeah, break-up sex.
I found this, matched with the song ‘To build a home’ by The Cinematic Orchestra was just so gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking. Now whenever I hear that song, I still shed a tear or two. I’m a softy though, and anything remotely sad and to do with MerDer… I cry.
What rings true to me are the words Mer leaves us with at the end… “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”
To me, that says… even though they can’t be together right now, Meredith and Derek will always love each other and be drawn to each other. That’s what I always believed, and has now become a truth as we’ve progressed into season 6.
If there was anything I could change about this episode… it would be that Derek didn’t fight for Meredith during this episode and during season 4. All the fight left in him had gone, because he saw no change happening…well… ever. But, Mer has no guidance… she needed him. She’d never had anyone to set an example…so how will she know it’s ok to leap? Even if she felt she couldn’t have him… she still needed him. Though, this was during Derek’s brainless brain man phase… so I guess he does have an excuse. Then, we have to wait a whole 16 episodes for him to really get a clue
So…
What are your thoughts on Meredith and Derek during this time? Do you believe, like I do for the most part, that everything happened for a reason. That even though things were painful to witness, and broke them up throughout the seasons… that it’s ended up making them the extraordinary people they are today. Also, what are your hopes for their future in season 6 and onwards?
Xoxo MadiLovesMerDer
Topics: Blogger: Madi Loves MerDer, Derek Shepherd, Meredith Grey, Reviews / Podcasts / Blogs, Season 4 | 20 Comments » |
December 13th, 2009 at 17:59
I love how you write!
Can’t wait for the crossover!
Awh, Thanks so much. I can’t wait for the cross over as well. Though, I do hope it doesn’t solely focus on Addison the whole time. I need me some MerDer loving, and soon!
Xoxo Madi
@MadiLovesMerDer, Me too. Last crossover we barley saw Meredith or MerDer together
. And I really hated it!! I hope we get some good MerDer time next episode, after almost two months without Grey’s, I really need that lol.
December 13th, 2009 at 18:06
I agree with you that everything happens for a reason.. and now they are strong, extraordinary people in a commited realtionship and great marriage!
Although season 4 is not my favourite with the Derek[McAss at that time] and the plant storyline and all that made me want to vomit or close my eyes!
Haha. Yes, the plant type plot device to bring out the worst in me. But, I do believe that Meredith needed that push to end up going to therapy. Otherwise, what else would have pushed her into sorting herself out? Something to think about I guess.
Xoxo Madi
@MadiLovesMerDer, Yes, I guess. And therapy really did a good job on her
.
@MerDer4EveR, Exactly. So, that’s why I’ve built up the ability to endure the plant… and watch the amazing transformation of MerDer
Don’t worry, there will be a different review from another season next week
I’ve got many, many episodes to choose from during this torture we call ‘Grey’s Hiatus’.
Xoxo Madi
@MadiLovesMerDer, Looking foward to it
!!
December 13th, 2009 at 18:46
i love it!!!
you are sooo good at writing
xx
@onenonlymcdreamy, Thanks a bunch!
Xoxo Madi
December 14th, 2009 at 01:04
i believe in what you said that in order for a relationship to be strong and steady it has to go through heartaches & doubts but the joy of it all is the making up, the feeling that after all you’ve gone through is the hope that you could be together again.
but you know what, it’s the pain that i have to endure watching them and it was killing me. season 2 is worse than season 4 for me,when we’re talking about merder. i know it’s more interesting with addison around but for it was more heartbreaking coz i know that derek cares for addison too and that derek tries too hard to be the better man while hurting mer and himself.
@Leyy, Oh gosh, don’t even get me started on the pain of season 2! Seriously. There is a reason why season 5 is my all time favourite Grey’s Anatomy season. It’s because…even though I do love drama… I can’t handle MerDer not together, and pining over each other the whole time. It literally kills me! UGH! I wanted to smack Derek upside the head many time for his ‘I must be a better man’ complex. Then came his ‘brainless brain man’ complex in season 4. Haha. Finally… he doesn’t seem to be as stupid, and Mer can deal with her problems in a positive way.
But yes, the only reason I do like to revisit such painful times, is because of how amazing they are now. Extraordinary. So, to go back and relive it… and see how much they change is just magical to me.
The one the I am waiting for is… when she tells Derek that the Chief is an alcoholic again. EEP!
December 14th, 2009 at 03:58
Awesome review! Wow what a way to start off
Can’t wait to read more.
@Metriosity, THANKS
I can’t wait to post more 
December 14th, 2009 at 06:00
Great review Maddy!! I was missing the good MerDer stuff, not that the break up was a good thing, but I had always loved the way they played out that scene. Like you said, it was so raw and passionate but so sad at the same time…the song by the Cinematic O, To Build a Home was perfect and it’s one of my favorites songs now…Looking back, even with all the heartache to see them unable to figth for each other, now it’s really a pleasure, because they really had grown up and now I’m sure they’ll figth anything to stay together…
@gladluvgrey, Thanks
I do agree that it’s a pleasure to look back on past issues and drama of MerDer now that they’re stable and ‘married’ and all that. I look at it with positivity and even though it killed me to endure such pain… It was worth it to get where we are now 
I believe that they can go through anything together now, because really… they’ve been through hell and back. 
December 14th, 2009 at 07:30
Yay for a MerDer blogger! I’ve missed the MerDer perspective lately. I’m gonna follow your reviews religiously! Especially interesting to see old episodes in a fresh light after some time. Keep up the good work we saw in this one!
@Sandra, Thanks so much
I’m glad you enjoyed it! I can’t wait to do my next one 
@Sandra, My thoughts exactly. Thanks Madi for your great review…can’t wait for the next one!
December 15th, 2009 at 22:56
I have very mixed feelings about S4. I loathe the other nurse stupid Der got involoved with. Der so used that nurse, and she let him when he obiviously wasn’t into her! I hate that nurse!
I know S4 was rewritten due to the writers strike, but I’d loved to have known Shonda’s original plans for MerDer were. Shonda seemed to want us to understand why Mer was so terrified of commiting herself to a man she knew loved her. I think the rewriting showed Mer coped as a doc. But her being unable to sleep without Der being next to her just made her have to get some help.
The house of candles was a great ending to S4. They both wanted to surprise each other so neither phoned each other. But I can imagine a very angry end of relationship Der would remove Mer’s number. But in S5 he knew Ad had phoned him, so maybe not.